WE'RE CLOSING IN

BAZ IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alright fans, sorry about this, it aint like yer old mate Baz to fuck off for this long but FUCKING HELL you wouldn’t believe whats been goin on round ere!!!
Right, so just to set the scene, me , Sean and a few of the old crew are sittin in the Acorn avin a few afternoon ones, i’m supposed to be takin sean round me mate Kennys to stop for a few days til we can lose that orrible screw Brenda, its all just kicked off in Working links doleite boot camp so we’ve gone for a few pints....right and then this bird walks in who sean suddenly goes ga ga over...with me now? alright..

......so this bird is just sitting at the bar supping this blue alco pop shite and she’s looking over at Sean and me an’ all, both of us i suppose but its hard to tell, what wiv her avin such weird eyes an that... so Seans lookin back at her all excited, an i’;m blamin this on bein banged up for so bleedin long, Sean seems to have lost it completely when it comes to women. I mean this one, she looks off it proper, dead stringy and spaced out. The hair is the kind of streaks you used to get in the 80’s, and the gear, short skirt and bare legs sort of like a Shacklewell Lane slapper , you get the idea.. i don’t mind that meself, i mean she’s alright i think, quite fit, its just the eyes that worry me, really twitchy and anxious then laughing..fucking hell...
so i’m tryin to look at the TV, Deal or No Deal some wingnut eared cunt just won 1p, right cocky little bastard he was, turned down 20 grand without a blink, righT fuckig MUG,i’m ready for the question Noel when Sean hauls himself out of his chair and lunges over to the bar, alright darlin i hear him say to the bird, want me to get you another one o them drinks?
She’s laughing and smiling and making herself all small and giggling and next things Seans getting a round in and looking over at me like he’s just hit the bleedin jackpot! I aint jokin you’d have thought he’d just won the bleedin lottery.
Oh god i’m thinkin, not another load of bleedin trouble, then he’s bringing me another pint of Stella and beckoning the bird over to our table. Shall we sit out the front, i want a fag he says. So we all go out the front of the boozer, there aint no tables outside as such, more a draughty door way with a couple of stools next to the motorised spac carts. This is Lisa Sean says all smiles introducing me to the bird, she’s just laughing and taking the piss out of Seans tattoos, the one with the skull with the mohican, she says she’s been living down some doss house in Stepney, what you doin up this way then love? She’s goin on about the hostel and this knobhead who she was seein and how he’s hassling her following her every time she leaves the hostel , she went to sign on today and he was hanging about outside, this was down Whitechapel, so she slipped out the back and started walking the wrong way home and just kept goin and that was it, just wandering on and on til she got lost, saw this boozer and stopped for a rest. You stick wiv us love, we’ll look after you Seans saying all laughs and smiles, i’m thinking fucking hell as if we aint got enough to worry about.
Look mate, i says to him when she’s pissed off to the bog, we’re staying at kenny’s tonight and that bird aint comin wiv us. Sean stands up straight and turns on me, i said i’ll look after her an i will, she AINT GOT NO ONE!! Alright Sean, fuckin ell cool it mate, bleedin ell, i’m only tryin me best top sort us all out mate, it aint easy i’m telling you..Jesus specially with you kicking off every ten minutes.
Alright well where then? if not Kennys where? This is Sean looking at me completely aggro, i’m doin my best but sometimes you can’t please him. I’m pissed off cos i was looking forward to just staggering out the boozer, round the corner to kennys flat and settlin down for a curry and a few cans.. i don’t know do i Baz, YOU’RE THE FUCKING BOSS!!. I hate it when he gets all sarcastic and mean, thats him after a few stellas but i can handle him, alright Sean i say, I got other places, let me make a few calls.
Then the stringy bird, Lisa, appears again and Seans all smiles the big soft fucking galoot...
to be continued..and i promise i won’t make you wait so long for the next installment...
laters Baz .

The next installment...

Alright so i grabs hold of Sean, an i says look pal, yuo've made yuor point and we get the fuck out of there. Gaynors shoutin and makin threats and lookin cosy with the knobhead security they got on there, she'll be quite happy to be giving them all the fucking names, date of birth an all that stuff, cos she's one o them aint she, aFUCKING SCREW!!!!
but they don't try to nick him, you can see he's acting like a proper psycho..they let us go, thinking yeah we'll go round in the van and pick em up later when they're watching Countdown with a can of special brew. well fuck that. We're weaving through the estates of haggerston, by the canal and then into that little maze of flats on Whiston road. that whole estate is fucked, they got the orange sitex up all over the windows that Hackney council slap up over everything until they can sell it off to private developers.
i got a few boltholes round here, most of em i aint even told Sean about cos he seemed to be telling that horrible Gaynor the lot at one point. C'mon mate i say and we nip into the Acorn for a swift one. Some of you might know the Acorn on the junction of Whiston road and Queensbridge, its a bit of a shithole but me mate Kenny drinks in there sometimes and some of the lads from the old Charlie Wrights days so i go in now and again. the old boys on them motorised spac carts moaning all the time do my head in a bit but still its an alright boozer, they aint got much time for the old bill in there.
Kennys bird Linda used to live in a tower block over the road which is now a massive yuppie complex. I'm thinking fucking hell don't get Sean started on that cos i'm just tryin to get him calmed down. Anyway Kenny says we can doss at his for one night but thats it but after that he says he's got a mate out in Leyton who'll put us up for a day or two. There's also me brother in stratford , he's got a big house near Maryland overground station and the lock up where i do me painting so we've got loads of options, i don't feel so bad as i'm supping me Stella.
That cunt Edmonds comes on the tv, deal or no deal,waht a righT load of Wank!!i'm on me third pint and i'm in the mood to smash the tv but i got to think of sean and he's lookin a bit happier, bit less aggro, can't have him kickin off if we're goin back to Kenny's.
So i'm happy, mocking that cunt Edmunds on tv, supping me pint, lookin forward to curry and a few tins round at kennys when this bird walks in..i've seen her before at the Dolphin, this stringy blonde with out of focus eyes, it looks abit like the thing gaynor brought out wiv her one night so i do a sharp double take but it aint her. No this one has a familar look but only in the way them smackhead birds all look abit alike with the too fast walking and face a bit stretched. But anyway i glance over at Sean an he's suddenly come to life, sitting up straight and staring right over at this bird. i'm thinkin, well she werent that bad, i might have had a go meself, but Sean well its always a dilemma aint it...it might send him round the bend or it might take his mind off Gaynor...god knows..but she's sitting at the bar now drinking some blue fizzy shit looking over.
to be continued.............

A massive rubber plant got smashed into the wall.

Anyway, on with the story about working links. Yeah the whole thing started out pretty huliliating for Sean, he looked, well the only word i can come up with is 'humble' and that just aint Sean, i mean Sean with the fight knocked out of him just aint Sean, he's just this sad looking middle aged geezer lookin sort of broken, you know, like he'd given up. So aside from being fucking angry i was actually quite upset i don't mind tellin you. Gaynor the hard faced fucking screw was goin on at him about training and opportunities. I just laughed in her fucking face, you want him driving his old mates from Belmarsh round in a bleedin Serco van yuo dopey tart i said. But no she was bleating on about how he could easy get a job as a security guard or some such shit.
Sean are yuo gonna take this, are you gonna let her push you around like a little kid i says to him. Sean just shrugs like it don't matter.
So off we go, down the Kingsland road to this poncey new office where they got all these happy pictures on the windows of people on the phone talking to each other, yuo aint never seen such wank. We get to sit down on these nice orange corner settees, its a bleedin joke.
Anyway this geezer strides over, some big bald bastard with a smug grin and i'm thinking yuo might think your a big shot in here sunshine but wait til you get outside. The smug git says oh Mr Hanlon, good to see you here early for yuor interview, we've got coffee over here and the papers here. Gaynors smiling and Sean just sits there. The dole sent the letter about getting sent down here and Sean chucked it in the bin, Gaynor got it out again and she said if he didn't come down here that was the end of them. Sean pal, what are you playin at?
So he sits there drinking this plastic coffee shit from the machine and reads last weeks hackney gazette until the ugly bald prick comes swaggering over and syas 'ok Mr Hanlon, come with me please'. Its all open plan in there and you can see and hear everything the smarmy fucker has to say. He's going on and on about retraining, new skills, how Sean could improve his chances if he changes his attitude. i'm thinking any minute now i'm gonna lose it, i can feel the rage boiling up, and then i hear this almighty crash and its the chair Seans been sitting on go flying across the room, then i stand up and i sees him picking up this bin ready to hurl it at that disgusting smarmy nonce. But then this security guard is there, they always have em lurking at the back and he's trying to work out wether to grab Sean or not cos he knows Seans fucking massive and completely mental. And so he hangs back while Sean picks up this giant rubber plant and throws it against the wall. I think Good on yer son, thats the sean i know! Gaynors shrieking and tries to restrian him, i get old of her and i syas fuck off you, leave him the fuck alone. Come on Sean. I want to get him out before the old bill get here, c'mon Sean i say, we gotta get out of here pronto, c'mon mate........to be continued.
...............find out what happens when Baz and Sean hide out in the matrix of backstreet boozers between Shoreditch and Dalston.

SPECIAL DOUBLE EPISODE!!!!!BAZ is BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean gets dragged to Working Links by that orrible bird of his, GAYNOR.


I'm fucking sick of it mate i tell you.
Seans here, still. he aint goin nowhere, him an that orrible Gaynor or whatever she's called. Anyway, she comes over sometimes late, about three in the morning, sometimes dead early, just waltzes in ere, that daft barstard minted her a key, whaT a fucking mug.She walks in, puts the bleedin tv on to watch that cunt Kyle or whatever other miserable kangaroo court/freakshow they've got on ITV1, sits there with a nescafe, from MY JAR and smokes a lambert and butler and acts like its her GAFF!!!!
Where's Sean she said once just strolling in while i was sitting havin me breakfast readin the paper. In bed probably i said, it's 8 o clock in the mornin you know he aint an early riser. So she marches into his room, pulls the covers off him, i hear all this shoutin and commotion and then he's standin there all bleary eyed with his hair all over the place. make him a coffee Barry please she says. Whatcho doin to im? I demand to know cos thats my mate Sean she's makin a right mug of. He's starting his training today, at Working Links, i want him there at 9 on the dot looking smart.
You see Sean, what did i bleedin tell you?????!!!!!!!!!!!
to be continued.............


I LOSE IT WITH GAYNOR BIG TIME BUT SEAN STILL GETS DRAGGED OFF TO WORKING LINKS!!


Right so Gaynor's round our gaff, that fucking screw, she's just hauled Sean out of his blow up mattress, screamed all these commands and frogmarched him into the kitchen looking like a righHT MUG!!! So she says he's got an appointment at working links.... Now i'm tellin you, i got some experience of those cunts, the whole things a boot camp, American workfare shit, ie work for fuck all but the seats are in nice 'funky' colours so yuo don't get upset about it! Now i've done some daft things in me time, Sean an' all, but neither of us are completely fucking stupid. I used to like the dole office better when it was them sour faced bastards behind metal grilles, you knew where you stood with them, you hated them, they hated you, something like the way it was with Thatcher. In comes Blair an its all 'yeah i'm gonna be a right nasty cunt but i still want you to like me...'all pleading and wheedling and suddenly all the dole offices are in these open plan offices done out like estate agents with these orrible chairs covered in orange and turqoise material. Its to make you think they're alright, so you don't kick off ..
It has been brought to my attention that sean might actually benefit from this humilaition, i say come round ere mate and meet im yourself and tell me what good all this workfare nonsense is gonna do him, for a start when would he have time do run is businesses etc?
So anyway, this Gaynor is insisting Sean goes on this fucking course an i just kick off. DON"T COME IN MY FUCKING HOUSE LAYING THE FUCKING LAW DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she looks at me with these orrible cold fish eyes and says, don't make an enemy of me Barry, i'm warning you.
So i just stares at her,by now my face feels like its gonna explode and and she's got old of Sean an she's marching him out the gaff. this is fucking unbelievable. So there's nothing else for it, i grab me coat and go after em....

find out what happens in the new Kingsland road branch of Working Links in the next episode.

A day glo explosion of glitter balls, balloons and killer klowns from outer space.

As soon as I spy The Stag on the corner of Fleet road I’ve crossed an imperceptible boundary that takes me beyond the grasp of affluent Hampstead and into a realm of inebriation and spontaneity. I pass the council yard on Cressy road where a multitude of sweepers are setting out to know every contour of the Fleet valley. The subterranean river asserts iself in street signs.

I pause to call on a lost acquaintance in Polgrave house and push through amusement arcade kitsch, tainted nets and falling dreylon. There’s a cat in the communal launderette dozing between geraniums pots.

This place is a nest of junkies, the dank pain of boredom spans the threshold.
I haven’t been here for 9 years but everything’s the same, even the scorched teaspoon on the gas fire is still there.

I drift out of those flats with that dislocated feeling you get when you emerge from a matinee, and suddenly feel a deep nostalgia for those film noir treble bills at the Everyman. In 1960 a film called Peeping Tom came out by Michael Powell,it was about voyeurism,the ubiquitous eye and covert surveillance. The main character was a TV studio serial killer who prowled around Hampstead secretly filming people.

I pass the hysterical darkness of Party party, a day glo explosion of glitter balls, balloons and Killer Clowns from outer space.
The Gospel Oak estate is a nexus of brutalism. There’s a warped Cartesian logic at work ,an attempt to eradicate the erratic flare ups of the street. Got to keep moving to escape the striations of control. Taking photographs risks being hauled in for enforced DNA swabs.

AMERICA WORKS, INC.


RIGHT, LISTEN UP ALL YOU DOLE SCROUNGING SPASTICS! WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR PATHETIC BLEATING! IF YOU THOUGHT JOBSEEKERS ALLOWANCE WAS BAD NEWS YOU’RE GONNA WISH YOU AINT NEVER BEEN BORN!
Yes we’re comin for you, each and everyone of you useless welfare sponging scum.
We’re gonna change your attitiude, we’re gonna make you JOBREADY,we’re gonna make you love your low pay mind numbing job!!!
Oh and before you dismiss what I say, you ought to know America Works Inc is comin here, right to your poor, blighted shores.
And we aint goin nowhere til we got every single one of you pathetic retards working out there for $8 an hour , I guess that’s about four quid here, now get out of my sight til I say you can come back in .,,,
………….,,,,,,,,,,,,oh my god, oh I’m sorry, oh dear, I’m not really feeling well, Irene could you bring me some coffee, and an aspirin maybe? Yes sorry about that, what I meant to say, was…..
..........hi,my names Pete and we’re here to help, we’re gonna give you all the instructions you’ll ever need so you’ll never have to bear the burden of thinking for yourself. Yes getting up at three a.m to do a cleaning job in the city is good for the soul, it constitutes moral fibre, it’s what you need to get yourself back on track and we’re just the people to help you with that. See you soon in an employment zone near you.
Peter Cove, founder, America Works Inc.


OI COVE!! FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!